Reflection of a Procrastinating Researcher
I confess: I hate research. Because I am not good at managing time or setting priorities. I feel terrible. But I feel happy knowing that many others too suck at time management and motivation. I am not alone in this world where people wake up screaming in the middle of the night from a recurring nightmare of deadlines, priorities and commitments.
But little did I know that this research – through a painful yet invigorating learning experience – was going to change me into a new me.
Overcoming the inertia
As the final part of my M.Ed ELT program, on October 2014, I kicked off on a research journey with excitement of a teenager in love. However, I landed on the motivational rock bottom so many times that my initial fire cooled off in a few weeks.
To start out, I realized that the concept of language ideologies was very abstract. My topic was: Language ideologies of EFL teachers – beliefs, practices and effects. I felt like I was trying to walk through a vast desert of vagueness. Next, the theme of ideology was something we had not studied during the two-year program. Thus I had to start from the scratch. I started reading articles and books on ideologies, and then, I started losing my mind. To add to my misery, at KU’s library, I did not find any prior research documents related to the theme.
Amid the chaos in my mind, I started swinging from one research topic to another.
May be I should conduct research on pragmatics of English language. Or, may be on student motivation. Or, may be on training of English language teachers. In desperation, I summoned just enough reasons and zeal to crawl out of the confusion and get on with my original proposal. (In an adventure like this, there’s always a yoda, and he kept pushing me until the end.)
Extracting the data
My research participants were seven English language teachers working in private schools of Lalitpur and Bhaktapur. During the interview sessions, I probed into their ideological beliefs about English language teaching. Then, I observed them in their classrooms to explore how their ideologies shape their teaching and interaction with the students. During observation, I also felt their nervousness and awkwardness as a stranger sat in the back of the room taking notes and recording their sessions.
Feedback is essential for personal and professional growth but we hate being judged. Therefore I could relate to what the participants were going through. For most of them, it was the first ever observation of any sort. I knew that they must have felt anxious about me observing them, taking notes about them and judging them. Even though, I was not there to judge them. A participant, after one such session, even told me that she felt like she was taking SLC examination one more time.
Interviewing the teachers and observing their class was a very exciting experience for me, however the fun stopped when I entered the next phase: transcribing, coding and trying to get the meaning from the unorganized mass of information.
Hitting the wall, again
A mountain of tasks stood in front of me and, once again my motivation level plunged to zero. I wished I was a full time student and that I didn’t have to work and take care of my family. And that I had super powers. (Grow up, Umes). And that I had chosen a different research topic. I kept on making excuses. I kept on procrastinating.
Seeing my predicament, one friend even suggested, “hyaa kina dukha gari raa? Shankar Dev agadi ko photocopy pasal ma gayo bhani sabai problem solve huncha”. He meant: go to those photocopy shops near Shankar Dev College in Kathmandu, choose any thesis from a list they provide and pay Rs 3000 to get them customized for you. I was tempted beyond my wits, but I chose the tougher way.
Only after several months did I wake from my self-imposed self-justifying slumber to re-start the dreaded research journey. On a blank sheet of paper, I wrote a proverb and stuck the paper on the wall near my computer. “The best way to eat an elephant standing in your path is to cut him up into little pieces”. This became my mantra. I developed a schedule and promised myself that I would write at least 1000 words every day. It would take me 30 min, sometimes 3 hours but I made sure to reach the word target every single day. And, piece by piece, I gobbled the whole elephant.
Learning the hard way
Besides gaining invaluable insights from the research participants about their ideologies, this research has made me reflect on my own beliefs and practices. It has made me question my decision to be an English language teacher. It has also made me realize why research matters for teachers, especially in language education and in education overall. And, a big lesson on setting priorities.
This research might not create major shockwave in academia. In reality, it’ll get stacked in the lonely KU library and get covered in dust for years to come. But I feel ecstatic knowing that I’ve learnt vital skills on conducting such studies and on writing a research paper. After diving into the chaotic sea of academic research – and almost drowning, I believe I’ve come back to the shore with enough courage to swim across an ocean.
I confess: I still hate research. But now, I know how to eat the elephant.
(*Umes Shrestha is a KU graduate and a co-founder of #PresentationStuffs. He is a blogger of www.latebecame.wordpress.com.)